Patricia Ann, originally posted Saturday, July 04, 2020
Jesus called me worthy.
When I stand, God moves. When I fear, the enemy chases me.
I shall not be moved.
My conversations with Jesus in the midst of an ongoing, raging storm...
This time he spoke another cutting remark to me in an explosive episode of anger. About what? About my desire to be appreciated, acknowledgment of the pain inflicted the night before. He seems oblivious to pain, unless he feels it. He can dish it out for sure, each time more cutting than the time before. In the past week, he has declared that he can't be himself with me around. Once again, I agitate him and finally this morning he told me that this is my third marriage and it's bad, too, so the problem must be me. He said no one can get along with me. I guess he felt like a big man, hurting me
at 7 a.m., maybe even more so than the 2 a.m. rant that he wanted a divorce and handing me a pen and paper because I'd been divorced before. (Well, so has he!) Dah!... My pain, of what I have seen and heard him say is oblivious to him. He doesn't care. Such a coldness and arrogance, rigidity... as he tells me he's leaving, only to see me in a panic state of feelings . "What will happen to me, how will I get by?" I know that sounds crazy. But honestly, these times have really weighed me down. What or who have I become that I fell into this ring around the rosy, that has been going on for 5 years? His weekly, manic desire to control my happy. My joy, he sees in me, quickly makes him gaslight me. Passive aggressiveness sneaks up on me and then suddenly its like I've been bitten by a forked tongue. Cutting words that are meant to hurt me, meant to bring me down to his level or somewhere beneath his insecure self. Sure, he loathes himself, as much as he loves himself. He has delusions of greatness intermingled with insecurity and the inability to work or accomplish a task. It's sabotage, over and over again. Pull me in and push me away with subtle sabotage. Nothing is ever truly what it seems. My heart aches to be known and cared about, while my body aches for a closeness that two should share. Instead, I hear that I am a three time loser, faulty to the core, as his cold, dead eyes somehow show the satisfaction of my brokenness. He really does feel accomplished at what has just occurred.
But this time, something is different. I am different.
Jesus called my name. Jesus called me worthy. Jesus called me beautiful. Jesus called me His bride.
And so, I fell into worship. I fell into praise with my Lord. I cannot get enough of my Jesus. His love so sweet. His essence surrounding me.
He quieted me and I never want to lose this place with Him. I don't want to go back to where I was. I don't want to wake up to anger and hatred in my bed.
I desire the arms of my Lord, His soft sweet voice whispering, "I love you." I know He will never leave me. His promises never fail.
In Him , I am safe. In Him I am loved. In Him, I live.