Patricia Ann, Originally posted April 20, 2020
Part 1. When I stand, God moves. When I fear, the enemy chases me.
I shall not be moved.
It was a terrible week. Actually, it had been several years of terrible weeks. Too many. Riddled with confusion, time would speed up, as if we were in the midst of a cyclone. It would hit out of the blue, from nowhere... an unintended offense, a misunderstanding. All too often, it was the voices in his head whispering to him bizarre thoughts or opinions of myself or others that he believed to be true, but with no reason or fact to make it so. First, it was his extreme selfishness that took me by surprise, almost to the point of overtaking all of who I was and stealing my identity, while even declaring that my thoughts were his thoughts shared as one. That might have been okay, but his thoughts were not my thoughts, not even close, especially when it came to Christianity and my relationship with my Father in Heaven. It is His thoughts that
I share in.
April 21, 2020
I didn't know what had happened to us. In this relationship that was once so gentle and loving, something had drastically changed.
An imposter had consumed my husband. He said he didn't know me, didn't trust me and that life was a stage. He said he couldn't feel anymore.
Soon, the laughter was gone, intimacy diminished to nothingness, as pain and rejection overtook my heart. Whenever we got close, he would say something hurtful to push me away. Then, when I would respond, it was as if a flood of anger and confusion was unleashed from within his soul.
I prayed and I stayed, while week after week I felt like I was in a wicked game of ring around the rosy.
It only got worse over time, the yelling and confusion took on the addition of jumping up and down, fit throwing and threats to leave me.
I found myself in the role of caregiver, instead of wife. His mental stability seemed to have left him. I eventually became adrenal fatigued, slowly losing who I was. I got tired, out of shape and depressed.
I didn't feel that God wanted us apart, so I hung on in a co-dependent, crazy life for many years.
April 22, 2020
I just read a Facebook post about TI's (targeted individuals). It made so much sense to what I have seen and experienced since marrying him. The anxiety and feelings of shame. His always leaving or being led away by some invisible force. The alters, the crazed and bizarre stories that cannot be real and if they are, they mess with your mind, too. The speed and complexity of what should be and used to be simple conversation. And the fear; afraid of everything, but also of nothing. It wasn't always this way, not in our beginning. It just happened one day. He woke up different, like he had awakened from somewhere and didn't know me or recognize me. He didn't trust me and I am not sure he even knew he ever loved me. Afraid of intimacy, pushing me away, anxiousness to the extreme and the time he grabbed my arm and it felt like it burned for hours. I always felt like it was a hand from hell. There was the times he spoke of the devil as his father, but also claimed Jesus as his Savior. I was always able to reach inside of him, find his heart and pull him to reality. Love ruled. In the midst of it all, love ruled. God knows... and Jesus sets the captives free. So, back to that Facebook post I mentioned earlier. Targeted individual. I've thought it. I've seen it. I believe it. I grieve for what it does and its destructive